As your Chief Border Patrol Agent of Slowjamastan, I make sure to keep you safe. How exactly do I do that? Let’s dive into the crazy and dangerous world of your Chief Border Patrol Agent. Um, that’s me.


This can put me in a very dangerous position. If I come face to face with one of those fools who doesn’t know how to eat string cheese, things can get ugly real quick. For example; I’ll be forced to take the cheese and slap them across the face string by string. This could have damaging effects on the string cheese.


I’ve had altercations at the border with these people before. They think they can cross into Slowjamastan wearing these awful, weird looking pieces of footwear. Oh, no, my friend. That is NOT happening. Things can turn for the worse quicker that you can say “she sells seashells by the seashore“. I’ve had to burn a croc or two at the stake in my time. Trust me, nothing fun about that….for the perpetrator. Plenty of fun for me!


Do you honestly think you’re going to get away without a passport? What kind of Country do you think we are? My job is to make sure you do two things: 1. You must have your Slowjamastan passport. 2. It must be stamped by your Chief Border Patrol Agent, again, that’s me. Violators can face stiff fines. You may get tarred and feathered or receive 10 slaps courtesy of Slowjamastanley.

Mumble rappers are NEVER allowed into Slowjamastan. These fools will pay the ultimate price. We tie them up in the square and force them to listen to artists like LL Cool J, Tupac and more. We hope this lesson in music will teach them how to annunciate and become better rappers. And, if that doesn’t work, our border gate will do the trick. It has a special spring that automatically kicks mumble rappers out on their butts! Don’t try it.
To learn more about the rules of Slowjamastan border security, watch the video below. My friend, all you need to do is follow the rules and you will be welcomed with open arms. I hope to see you soon. Follow me at @chiefborderpatrol

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